


Parenting

by ChronicCatalina



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Friends With Benefits, Suggestive Themes, as far as the marriage part goes, follows the scene pretty closely, klaus being chaotic, set in s01e02
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-17
Updated: 2019-10-17
Packaged: 2020-12-21 07:41:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21071321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChronicCatalina/pseuds/ChronicCatalina
Summary: When Five wants Klaus to be his pretend-dad, Klaus decides to drag you into the adventure.





	Parenting

The telltale erratic knocking at your front door made you open it with a hip already cocked, bracing yourself for the fun and trouble your visitor would bring.

Klaus was a good friend of yours. The kind that came with _benefits_ \- long, salacious nights of benefits. He was beaming mischievously when you opened the door but to his left was a teenage boy. One who if you remembered correctly, looked just like his brother that disappeared years ago.

“I know I don’t usually come a-knocking during the day,” Klaus drawled, “but we need your help.”

“Are you alright? Do you need money or food or something?”

He laughed and straightened his cartoonishly large pinstripe blazer. “An acting job, actually. Oh! I’m so rude, I’ve forgotten the introductions. Five, this is Y\N. Y\N, this is my brother Five. He’s back from the future.”

Five scoffed when you tried to shake his hand. “This isn’t necessary. You’re wasting my time, Klaus.”

“Just…hang on a second.” Klaus tried to stall. “Look, Y\N, Five and I are going to some company and I’m pretending to be his father to get some information or whatever. I figured it’d be much more convincing if we brought a maternal figure along.”

“And you thought of me?”

From his perch on your front steps, Five quipped, “Move it along or I’ll do this without you and you won’t get paid.”

“Klaus, there’s no way they’re gonna believe –”

“Shh sh,” Klaus interrupted with a finger to your lips. “We can make them believe whatever we want. Plus, it’s technically _possible_ that we procreated.”

The grin playing on your mouth grew wider and you stepped out to join them, closing the door resolutely behind you. “I’m in.”

“Excellent! This way, my bride.”

Klaus spent the entire ride concocting the cover story. The disco, the _amazing_ sex, the confusing custody arrangement, and all the little details that had you giggling and made Five frown.

The latter slammed on the brakes when he pulled up in front of Meritech Prosthetics. “Get out. Let’s go.”

Klaus slid open the van door and helped you out with every ounce of pomp and circumstance, sliding a hand to your lower back when you walked inside. As much as you loved the attention, you still swatted his hand away when he gave your ass a sly squeeze.

“We can play those games later when your kid brother isn’t around,” you warned in a whisper. But as soon as Five pointed out the man in question, your demeanor changed. With a sweet smile and sweeter lilt to your voice, you threw an arm around Five and led him forward. “Sir? Excuse me, hi. I believe you spoke with my son earlier today?”

“Uh, yes?”

It didn’t take much convincing for the man, Lance, to lead you and your _husband_ and _son_ into his office. Klaus let you sit down and stood protectively behind your chair, massaging your shoulders like any doting husband should.

You let Five do the talking at first, rehashing his argument for the name of the owner of the eyeball. Lance still wouldn’t budge and cited confidentiality issues and needing the consent of the client. Klaus squeezed your shoulders one final time, signaling that he had a plan.

“And what about _my_ consent?” he piped up. When Lance was confused, Klaus leaned forward and dropped his voice to a whimper. “Who gave you permission to lay your hands on my son? On my wife?”

Five turned and gave an incredulous look that matched Lance’s. “What?”

“You heard me.”

“I didn’t touch your son,” Lance countered. “_Or_ your wife.”

“Oh really? Then how did he get that swollen lip? And why is her shirt so precariously pulled down?”

Klaus suddenly smacked Five on the mouth and then pulled you out of your chair. When he noticed your confusion, he gave a wink before ruffling your clothes and your hair. With those deeds done he turned back toward Lance.

“I want it,” he snapped. “Name, please. Now!”

Lance’s brows were furrowed tightly. “You’re crazy.”

“You got no idea.” Klaus chuckled and kissed the back of your hand, leaving you with a soft smile. But then he picked up the snowglobe and smashed it into his head. Three gasps rang out and Klaus whined, “_God_, that hurt.”

As concerning as that was, you did always adore Klaus and his antics. But you gingerly touched the scrapes on his forehead and cleared away what glass you could. Doting wife duties, after all.

With an endearing tilt of your head, you said to Lance, “He’s always getting himself into trouble.”

A speechless Lance finally found his voice and tried to call for security but Klaus swooped in and stole the phone away.

“There’s been an assault in Mr. Big’s office and we need security _now_!” He tossed the phone down and wrapped an arm around your waist, tugging you closer for emphasis. “Now here’s what’s gonna happen, Grant. In about sixty seconds, security guards are gonna burst in and they’re gonna see a whole lotta blood and a terribly disheveled woman and we’re gonna tell them that _you_ beat the shit out of us. I, of course, was defending my wife from your greedy paws.”

He continued taunting Lance about going to prison, giving you a moment to share a knowing smirk with Five. If Klaus was good at anything, it was theatrics.

“Jesus, you’re a real sick bastard,” Lance groaned, then looked at you to plead for some sense. “He’s insane!”

You shrugged. “You’re telling me. The sex is great though.”

That was the last straw to scare him into complying. He led the way to a set of filing cabinets and began searching through them, glancing nervously at Klaus every now and again. Klaus’ arm was still ironclad around your waist and you leaned on him, giving Lance a grin every time he looked over. 

When he finally found that the eye hadn’t even been manufactured yet, as confusing as that was, Five scoffed and stormed away. You patted Lance’s cheek before sauntering away arm-in-arm with Klaus.

“Well this isn’t good,” Five quipped when the three of you made it out front.

“I was pretty good though, right? ‘What about _my_ consent, bitch?’” Klaus laughed delightedly, then took your hand and twirled you around. “And you! What a show, madam.”

Five was having none of the antics. “It doesn’t matter, Klaus.”

“Why? What’s the deal with this eye anyway?”

“Someone’s gonna lose an eye in the next seven days. They’re gonna bring about the end of life on earth as we know it.”

Your breath caught and you finally spoke up. “What the hell? Why did no one tell me the earth was ending?”

Klaus shrugged. “Yeah, can I get my twenty bucks now?”

“The apocalypse is coming,” Five leaned forward with a dangerous glare, “and all you can think about is getting high?”

“Well, I’m also quite hungry.” Klaus’ insolence never failed to make you smile and he continued after clasping your hand. “Gotta treat the wife to lunch, you know.”

After a final eyeroll, Five disappeared into thin air. Klaus waved a dismissive _good riddance_ and looked aimlessly up and down the street for the next thing to do. When his gaze landed on you again, he gave a winning smile.

“So while I am actually hungry, I also wouldn’t mind going back to your place and changing out of this stupid suit.”

You pulled him closer and began strolling down the sidewalk. “And did you have anything else in mind while we had our clothes off? Since the world is ending and all?”

“Consummating the marriage?”

“You could be a mind reader.”


End file.
